It’s being reported that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has flipped Secretary of Gluttony Pig E. Bank. Mr. Pig was apprehended while being transported to Oligarch Medical Center by colluding GOP paramedics.
Their stated emergency was that the Honorable Pig had to undergo immediate doctoring brought about by the GOP tax plan. But, there was no comment on the rumors that Pig stands to make almost a billion dollars from Pence supporters for just NOT running for President. Regardless, a Pig windfall was imminent and the corruption scale had to at least give the appearance of remaining in the overweight range, as opposed to obese.
Although the Feds are still investigating all aspects of Pigs corruption diet, witnesses claim that Pig’s ambulance was actually disabled by a pit maneuver executed by a Formula 1 car, driven by Michael Avenatti. Apparently, the wheels of justice still turn freely in racing.
Witnesses also claim that the Pig was actually choking on a stack of SARs, and, that Avenetti had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver to retrieve them. This exercise in Pig apprehension and evidence preservation has given new meaning to the term “ambulance chasing”.
The lights and sirens of obstruction of justice aside, Mueller’s team flipped the Pig after finding that his middle class coin slot had recently been surgically closed. And, worst yet, his surgical scar had been covered by a red, white, and, blue , middle finger tattoo.
The arrogant slot closure coincided with the current epidemic of government short-changing. And, it also eliminates any splinter torture that the Pig, himself, might have to endure from the wooden nickel tax legislation.
The Feds can usually call it while it’s in the air, but treason and Pig manure have a similar odor. Upon flipping the Pig upside down, it was obvious that the colluders planned to drain Pig’s belly vault of, what they deemed to be, a swamp of Jefferson and Lincoln contamination. The Pig was to be transformed into a wireless, mobile, sparkling, bastion of digital gluttony. No more overweight and golf cart bound Pig. He was to launch into corruption like a Washington orbiting Soyuz treasury.
He would be the elusive silk purse that a sow couldn’t. He could compete with the likes of Fifth Third Bank; he could become the State Treasurer of Tennessee; he could launder money via video games; he could buy numerous professional sports teams; he could launder via tax deductible contributions to revolving door universities and non-profits; he could join the political donors, both foreign and domestic, who now select our U.S. Attorneys, Ambassadors, Federal Judges, Supreme Court Judges, and obviously, cabinet members.
But, it looks like Pig’s little Soyuz sneaker feet will never get to fly. He’ll never even make it to Malaysia airliner status. By the time that Mueller is done with him, he won’t even be able to sell 9/11 commemorative taxi medallions in a Giuliani manipulated New York City.
The Pig, the Amazon of organized crime, will no doubt offer free Twitter shipped to the J Edgar Gods, on a collection of lie prayers, as he attempts to con them into believing that he’s not really an Oval Office Soul Whore.
The sinful laundry list of charges against the Pig, himself, have not yet been presented in stone tablet form, but it’s been prophesized that his accomplices will, at minimum, be charged with impersonating a, hand on the Bible, oath-taking Congress, and, operating a Soul Whore House without a conscience.
In the meantime, the GOP is demanding the immediate payment of thirty pieces of silver for Pig’s treason ambulance ride. They refuse to accept the fact that their own treason paying offices are closed for Memorial Day, because they’re still drunk on treason.
They shamefully forgot how to listen to Taps.